*Warning* Slightly weird post that doesnt make a whole lot of sense, but I feel very strongly even though it is pretty questionable about what it all really means to most people.

There will always be dark times in everyone's life. They are the times that challenge the strength of our body, mind and spirit. Going through the darkness is gut wrenching and it will almost always break you, but when you emerge you will go into the bright light and you will be stronger than ever before. I've never been a big believer in religion and I felt like many people needed it because it was a comfort to them, and I felt like those who had it were weaker because they needed to know that someone else was taking care of them. My views on this have changed so much over that last few years and more so this year than any other time of my life. I look to religion now as your strength. The people that believe are not weak, they are strong. They stand up for what they believe and they gather strength through their lives so that one day they can be that strength for someone else. We are all fighters, that's why we chose to come here, to prove ourselves worthy to be in the presence of our heavenly father. To learn to be more like him, to fight when our ethics or morals are being challenged, learn how to be humble and how to be an example for those around us, smile when the heavens have opened our hearts to the light and the warmth of the world, cry when we are at our weakest so that we can build strength and cry when we are so uplifted that we are brought to our knees. I know that all of us have been dealt our hands, and some will have more difficult challenges than others, but it is not the challenges that make us worthy, it's what we learn and how we apply it to our lives. I'm so thankful for my life...every part of it. I've known heartache and pain, sometimes being so down i didn't think i would ever get back up, but every time i found strength when i thought there was none to have. I've found unconditional love with my family and my husband. I'm so thankful for every bad and good decision that I have made, because i know it was part of my plan and part of my learning. My spirit was not one that could be handed something, my spirit had to question and argue, and fight against everything until it could realize what it all means so that it would actually mean something to me. And now that I know, I never want to let it go. I know who I am, and i know who i will be. My husband makes me be a better person and without him I don't think I would have ever figured out who i really am. This probably all just sounds like a bunch of random craziness which believe me, it feels like it to me too.....Basically what i'm trying to say is.....after years of searching in the dark...I've emerged into light.

It's the climb

I'm trying to stay very positive but this week is hard. Adam and I decided that we were going to not spend any extra money this month due to my surgery and school starting. We have been doing really good but part of that has led me to getting up a half hour earlier to make breakfast so i'm not tempted to buy breakfast on the way to work. For the most part it's fine but when i stress my insomnia gets really bad. Me stressing also leads to my stomachaches.

So i've had a lack of sleep both because i cant fall asleep and now i'm getting up earlier than normal. I've also been stressed because i'm having to hire a new employee which is always scary. Everyone depends on you to hire someone great. I'm also stressed because I am waiting to hear back on a job that I would just love love love to get. And then today was the first day of school.

Everything went great with setting everything up for school but i had to take a pre-test of stuff that i should know since i did it one semester ago.....didnt do that great of a job. So that gut feeling starts sinking in that i might fail.


Some of you know that last year I had to go to the doctor because I thought i was pregnant, but it turned out that I just had ovarian cysts. They are extremely painful and nothing really makes it stop hurting. My doctor warned me that they would more than likely come and go until I have kids.Well they came back about a month ago but it wasnt to the point of real pain, this week.....worst pain ever. It actually hurts worse this year than last year. This just adds to my anxiety.


Back when you could become certified as a loan officer at my work, you would have to take a test with paper applications to test your decision making ability. Although I was a top loan performer I was never good at paper applications because I always had more questions than what the loan officers grabbed on those fake apps. Well the day came when i needed to take my test. I went in and got so stressed out. About half way through I actually threw all of my documents away and started to cry because i couldnt believe that something i wanted this bad and I knew i was good at was not going to be fairly evaluated. I finally composed myself enough to finish my test. When i turned it in i was told to go to lunch and i would know my results when i got back. I couldnt eat and i ended up coming back way early. They pulled me in the office and told me that i failed.....I had never failed at anything and here i was. I was able to pass all of these pointless high school and college courses but the thing i did every day of my life i failed. My manager sat on the phone and argued with the trainer for like twenty minutes but we lost the battle. I got in my car and just started crying because i was so upset. My manager actually sent me home, was it an overreaction absolutely but i was a 4.0 student and had never gone through that. On the way home a song by Miley Cyrus came on, "it's the climb". Once it was over i kept playing it from you tube and i just blared that song the whole way home.....
Seriously every single time something big in my career has happened that song comes on the morning of that. When i got turned down for 7 lead positions every afternoon i got those calls that song came on in the morning. back then it was not a huge deal since it was on the popular hits for the two months i was applying for things. but then when i got my assistant position and when i got turned down for my first two manager spots that song played on my way to work. The day i got offered my own branch that song came on during my lunch break and i thought "oh miley, is it good or bad news for crying out loud" then when i came back from lunch I got my big break and got my branch....
Now i'm waiting for the decision for this position and i was supposed to know on monday, then tuesday, so this morning on my way to work i get in the car and turn on my fav radio station and who starts signing? Miley!!! and what song is it? It's the climb! So i decided to sing along because although she is not my favorite singer i love that song because sometimes you have to lose and and it really doesn't matter because there will always be a mountain that i'll want to move....it's all about the climb. So the song ends and a commercial comes on so i switch stations and SERIOUSLY that song had just started on that station. So i listened to it once more and realized that even though this would be an amazing opportunity I know that everything happens for a reason and like all things in life sometimes we have to get knocked down and we dont always get what we want but if we learn the lessons that we are supposed to then the next time we will be a little smarter and we will be stronger. So although this post is kinda dreary i know that tomorrow i'm going to wake up and put a big smile on my face and start to climb.

Just Breathe

Wow, I feel like there is so much going on and it's hard to breathe. Lets start with surgery recovery. I went into the doctor and found out that my knee is healing much faster than normal and my range of motion is fantastic. It's so good in fact that i will not have to do physical therapy. This makes it very nice for work, and I keep working on my excersises that i did for the last surgery. In a month i will go back in and find out if everything is still looking as awesome as it is now.

My dad finally got help for his drinking problem. It's something that all of us have worried about for years and it finally came to a head. I'm so thankful that my dad is getting help and hopefully i will have many more years with him and the best part of it is that it will be quality time.


Work has been.....crazy. There is so much change and movement going on at the credit union and i'm so thankful to belong to the organization. I put in for a promotion for a new branch that will be opening. I put in thinking that I would have no chance at all to get the position and although I still dont think i will get it, i know that i was in the top three with my market managers picks. This was a huge accomplishment for me and honestly made me feel so validated in my work. I give so much of myself to my branch and my employees and sometime i worry that it's still not enough, getting told that im qualified against people that have been in management for years is just an amazing feeling. My lead teller got picked up as an asst. manager so now i'm forced to hire a new supervisor for my branch. It's so hard to say goodbye to people that i love and it's hard to try and think of my branch without such an amazing person and teammate. BUT it's also amazing to see people grow and develop into their own leaders.

Europe!!! My sister moved to prague last month and although we have talked about going to Europe for years, her being over there is finally what made us realize this is do-able. We are planning on going next September for three weeks. My sister is not sure if she will still be over there or not, but even if she comes home Adam has promised me that we will go. We both hope that she will be able to come with us even if she does not live over there anymore. Planning a trip to Europe is like a marathon of vacation planning. Adam and I both have our ideas of what we will do so we have kinda put stuff together. So far we know that we are going to fly into Dubin, then we will go to Edinburgh, Scotland-then on to london, England-Paris, France- Venice and Rome, Italy. I've always had dreams about Europe, but since i've been reading so much and planning some things the dreams wont stop. I had a dream the other night that I saw the Eiffel tower for the first time and it was so real that I woke up with tears in my eyes. It's crazy how emotional it makes me but it's one of those life dreams that I had when I was little yet never thought i would be able to achieve it. It was the same feeling when i went to St. Lucia, I just couldnt believe that I was able to make a dream come true. Adam and I work together to make things happen. I think it's one of those things that I'm just so happy with the choices i have made in my life to get me here. Growing up I was very spoiled and when i moved out for the first time when i was a senior in high school i was just working to make ends meet. If i would have continued to live the life I had back then I would have never been able to own a home, or travel which is so sad because although money does not buy happiness and you can be sooo happy without these things, it's the fact that I can work hard for the things i want and it amazes me what Adam and I can do together when we put our minds to it. I'm so thankful that Adam is having us take time for ourselves before we have children. It's so hard sometimes but I love that by the time we have our kids we will have accomplished all of our goals. We will always have new dreams and new goals to accomplish but I love that we work together to make it happen.

I start school this week, i'm nervous because it's math 1090 , but excited because this will be my last college math class that i will need to take. I have seven classes left after this one and I want to quit soo bad but now i'm so close and have invested so much of our money that I just need to push through. We have paid cash for all of my school so sometimes i can only take one class at a time but i'm so thankful that i dont have to pay back any student loans.

Four Year Anniversary

When I woke up this morning I was a little sad because it was my first day that I had to go back to work after my surgery. I was really nervous and woke up early knowing that it would take me longer than normal to get back into my routine (and knowing that i would be sitting hooked up to an ice machine while getting ready). I got up and thought, "how am I going to do this today. I'm tired even after taking a short shower, and its a chore to even walk down the stairs to get my pants from the laundry room." So I took baby steps. Baby steps to the bathroom, baby steps to the shower and so on. Then my hubby got up and asked me what I needed help with. He went and grabbed my ice machine, let the puppy out, and helped me get my hair products out so i wouldn't have to bend over. It made my morning that much easier and then he backed my car out so it would be easier for me to get in and he took the garbage down to the curb. As i drove to work i just thought, how did i get so lucky. I know women that complain non-stop about how their husbands don't notice them or they don't offer assistance, and yet I found someone who not only asks what will make my life easier, but he offers before I even ask. 

When I got to work I got settled in and started playing catch up before we got really bombarded with members, when I saw my little yellow flashing IM on my screen from Adam. He asked me if I knew what today was. The moment I read it i realized that today is our four year wedding anniversary. I told him that i knew and wondered if he had remembered this morning because i clearly spaced it. He said he didn't realize until he saw the date at work so we both laughed because both of us have always been bad at remembering our anniversary, but yet it doesn't bother us because truly Adam and I treat each other the same on our anniversary as we do any other day. This is a good thing for us because truly most days we cant wait to be together and we offer as much support and love to each other as we possibly can even on regular days. 

We decided that we would do dinner together since after all it is our anniversary and he was going to try and get off early. When I left work i went over to pick out a card for him...and if you cant read anniversary cards for your husband without crying....you might be a Taylor. There were so many cards that i picked up and wanted to bring home to him because they all had a special meaning to me, but i finally settled on one and put the other ten back and picked up Oblivion the movie thinking that it would be a special treat for him. The cards all had some awesome sentiments but I picked this one because it said a lot of beautiful things but the thing that got me was I was thankful for my dream coming true and i look forward to the dreams will create together. This really touched me but truly my husband is my dream come true, my wish upon my star, my glass slipper, my prince charming- he is all the things that i wanted most in this world that i never thought was possible in one human being. I'm thankful that i get to come home to him each night, fall asleep next to him, and wake up in his arms. 

 I know that one day our children will look at us and say, " I want to have what mom and dad have, and I want to marry my best friend". My children will feel the warmth of love in their family and have good role models to look to just as Adam and I have when we look to Mom and Dad Taylor. My mother in law came to visit me at work today and we talked about Adam and I and I started tearing up 1) because i am a Taylor and 2) hearing her say that we have a good life together and that we are both lucky could have brought me to my knees for that is by far the best compliment i could ever hope to receive. I know that four years is nothing close to a lifetime but I'm thankful for that too, it means that I learned quickly just how lucky I am and that means that I can only be better for my husband and my future family. All marriages will have the good and the bad, but I'm confident that because of our devotion to family we will weather all storms and overcome all challenges together to make our family stronger each day. I love you Adam Taylor and you have made me a better person that I ever thought I could be. 

Post Surgery reflection

Today is my last day home before I have to go back to work, which I'm very nervous about because even just pulling out the computer and setting it up to do a blog post made me extremely tired. I'm still feeling dizzy when I'm up too long but I've got to force myself to be up more so that i don't die tomorrow at work. I know i had lots of visitors and i got lots of text messages....but to be honest i don't remember too much. I got on facebook this morning to see what i had missed since pain meds and reading don't mix....i got overwhelmed by all that had been posted, so i gave up. my phone is completely dead and although the charger is just upstairs....I'm too tired to get it (I've already done the stairs four times this morning). Good news is that although the pain on this one was worse...i knew kinda what to expect and i started moving my knee as soon as i got home as well as put my weight on it was soon as i was home. Yes it hurt, and yes it seems crazy but honestly moving my knee helped a lot. I also stopped taking pain killers after the second day. they were making me dizzy and i couldn't remember even my phone number. this caused me to sleep a full day without many breaks just to try and get that crap out of my system. it felt good but my body still feels very behind on sleep. I'll probably try to nap a couple times today just to see if i can be refreshed for tomorrow. 

In other news the world moved on without me and a promotion spot opened up at my work. I think i talked to my market manager or my VP but either way they know that i want the job so i need to be interviewed. Also I'm expected to have my business plan for the position turned into the hiring manager by tomorrow....I asked if i could send it at the end of the day since i don't have anything here at home to work on it with. I don't expect to get the job since i'm still a new manager, but it would be an amazing gift. I logged onto work to see how many emails i had and just like facebook was overwhelmed so im going to answer five at a time and then take breaks lol. 

Our home appraisal should be back soon which makes me excited and nervous all at once. Next month we are going to start with ripping out our basement to re-do which will be amazing. I start school once again in a couple weeks, and i'm hoping that this semester will go smooth for me. 

Surgery Fun

My surgery was scheduled at 10 this morning.....i woke up at 6:30 which is bad because i get nervous when i have surgery so waiting that long does not help. Also anyone that knows me knows that I do not do well missing meals. Not only does it upset my stomach but my patience becomes very thin. We got to the hospital and the check in went very smoothly. The hard thing is....i get very snappy when I'm about to have a panic attack, which i had three today. So I'm sitting there in the surgery room and find out that they wont take me into the actual procedure until 11:15 (commence shallow breathing) okay, so we will just start the prep work. First thing....the IV. i always have them put my IV on my left inside elbow because it's the easiest vein since someone could do it it into it even without a turnacit. She told me that they normally wont put the IV there. (commence the over reaction and 1st panic attack of the day. I felt super bad because the nurses are sooo nice but i just couldn't calm down due to a bad day of depression and i was soo hungry.) The nurse quickly ran out to see if the dr would let me have the IV in my arm....which he said no problem. She was soo good at IVs that i honestly did not even feel a poke. No JOKE. after that i told them that i really needed something for the nerves because i was losing it. They gave me Valium which...eh kinda worked. Then both of my drs came in to talk. my anesthesiologist told me that he would give me something to calm me down so i would be mostly asleep even before i went into the room and my surgeon told me that he would check my entire knee to make sure i would have no problems. After saying good by to my mom, dad, and adam, they wheeled me over to the surgery room. While out in the hall dr. edwards came out and gave me a drip of pure endorphins to make me very happy (this would prevent me crying all day after the surgery) and then he gave me a relaxer. this one guy tried to wheel me into the room before the other drugs had worked and my dr was so nice he told him to basically leave me along and he rubbed my arm reassuringly until i fell asleep. Some people may say that it was just the drugs, but i'm telling you right now. My grandpa was with me my entire surgery and with him...was my future baby girl evee. It was one of the most magical experiences of my life. When i came out of surgery i was crying because i was sooo happy to see him. Also, I have been having dreams about our little girl and i know she so badly wants to be here with adam and I but we are not ready for her yet, so knowing that she is waiting with my grandpa was the best feeling of my life. My dad bought me a jimmy jon sandwich which is my favorite and it was the best sandwich i had ever eaten.When we came home I laid on the couch and watched modern family and movies while my sweet husband took care of me. He even bought me les miserables because he knows how much i love it. I got some very awesome visitors from work and from the family which made my day so happy. They ended up cutting my left and right side of the meniscus behind my knee cap and cutting out some cartilage. I'm bending my knee (can bend it at a 90 degree angle) and can walk on it. so although this surgery hurts much worse than my previous one in 2009 this has been a much better experience and anyone that needs a good orthopedic surgeon needs to see john brady. He is by far the best doctor who has fantastic bedside matter. also i hope this makes sense because i'm on two loratabs right now and it's 11:49 pm